TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location where American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to cease using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user Trump Tower Damascus @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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